Not Another DBZ Fanfiction!
by Thursday's Dove
Summary: What does a snarky Goku, a sidekick Vegeta, a cowardly Krillin, a fan girl Piccolo, an emo Gohan from the future, and two unlikely semi-heroes from an alternate dimension have in common? Together, they must face the most dire enemy in the history of EVER
1. Dark & Secretive & Not At All Cheerful

**[A/N:** I changed my mind. I've decided that I am going to continue this. I felt inspired. xD

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own DBZ or anything else that this fic makes fun of. If you find that I have poked fun at your genre of fics, please feel free to be offended. **]**

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Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away…

Wait.

Well, the galaxy _is_ far, far away, depending on how you look at it, and despite how, in retrospect, that sounds remarkably similar to the beginning of _Star Wars_, this is my story to tell, and I'm stickin' to it.

Anyway, in this galaxy that is far, far away, a dark and secretive congregation was being held. Of course it has to be dark and secretive; I doubt any plot for revenge or for taking over the universe would be held in broad daylight in a pet store or anywhere equally cheerful and full of furry animals, unless those furry animals are, in fact, vicious beasts which will be used for taking over the universe, which is ironic because this tale does indeed include a very large—respectively, of course—furry animal that has something to do with revenge and taking over the universe, but I digress. The point is that this congregation was dark and secretive and not at all cheerful.

This meeting, which was dark and secretive, was being held in the thickest part of the Hairy Woods on the planet Roverus. A being, whose identity will for now not be revealed, had his arms held up in the air, gesturing to his enormous audience to be silent.

"Yes!" he shouted over the noise, waving his arms wildly about. "Yes, I know you are all _outraged_!" The crowd roared about how outraged it was. "But we must maintain order! Listen to me!"

The crowd did not listen. After several minutes of waiting for the crowd to shut up, which it did not, the being reached over and grabbed one of the large brown stalks that was growing out of the ground and pulled on it as hard as he could. An extremely loud howling noise rang out around them and the ground shifted under their feet. The crowd shouted in alarm, but at least it finally settled down when the ground was once again stable.

"Now that I have your attention, I shall tell you why I have gathered you all here," the one who seemed to be, or at least was _trying_ to be, in charge said. "We must rise and avenge Lord Frieza!"

The crowd cheered in boisterous agreement.

"We have discovered that those responsible for the downfall of our Lord currently inhabit a planet called… Earth!"

At these words, the crowd growled its disapproval.

"We will make our way there now! In fact! We are already on our way there now!"

At this, the crowd cheered once again.

"And I, Alef, will lead us to victory!"

After that, the crowd was once again rampant. That night, over four-hundred fires were started and one hundred and thirty-nine of these beings lost their lives in the ensuing celebration.

And thus, our story begins. Actually, not _our_ story, but _their_ story, "they" not being the members of the dark and secretive meeting, but those who will be introduced in the next chapter.


	2. A Bunch of Useless Non Super Saiyajins

"Once upon a time there was a prince named Vegeta and he was a spoiled piece of shit. He was rich beyond all comprehension and reasonability. And then there was a young, attractive servant woman named Bulma, who was a slender and meek human from the planet Earth but had somehow become a Saiya-jin or somethin'..."

12,000 pages of this bologna later...

" ...and they lived happily ever after—the prince, the princess, and their cutesy wittle baby named Trousers."

Rachel sighed and clutched the book to her chest and spun in circles. "Ahh... Isn't it _so_ romantic? The classic tale of a handsome prince and a poor servant woman and how they fall in love and, the best part, how they live happily ever after."

Rachel's cousin, Christine, rolled her eyes irritably and rapped her fingers on her bed and replied dully, "By 'classic' you mean unoriginal and overused, right?"

"Oh, get over it, Chris," Rachel said scornfully.

"Get over what? Those sappy, sucky love stories are as old as Corey's parents," Chris, whose friend Corey had parents in their fifties, retorted.

Rachel rolled her eyes dramatically. "Whatever you say, Miss Cynical."

Chris shrugged and went, "Eh."

Then suddenly, there was a crash of thunder and all the lights went out and Rachel and Chris were knocked out cold!

Someone in the narrator's box shook their head and sighed in exasperation.

---

Meanwhile, in the DBZ world with our beloved Z Fighter people...

Krillin and all the other weak and insignificant Z Fighters were running around panicking. Goku's eyes were getting tired of watching the handful of idiots running in circles. He sighed, feeling bored.

"What the HFIL are they doing _that_ for?" Vegeta demanded of his lifelong nemesis.

Goku stopped following his weak friends with his eyes and blinked stupidly at Vegeta. "Did you just say 'HFIL'?" he inquired.

Vegeta looked a wee bit embarrassed, and then scratched his head after searching for it under all that hair of his for five minutes and replied, "I guess I did."

"Why didn't you just say 'hell' instead of turning a one-syllable word into four separate letters?" Goku prodded on.

The Saiya-jin Prince shrugged and replied, "Damn FUNImation. And damn all those authors who think HFIL is funny!" He raised a fist and shook it at the sky, as though that's where FUNImation and those who think HFIL is funny to use in place of "hell" resided.

"Right on, man," sighed Goku.

"All right, Kakarot, time to answer the F'N question."

"Well, apparently some super duper stupendously strong bad dude from a bajillion light years away is on his way to Earth right now to kill us all for something we did a long time ago or somethin'. Y'know, same shit, different day," Goku answered nonchalantly.

"Oh, is that all?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Mmhm," said Goku while he nodded his head once.

"Goku!"

Both Goku and Vegeta shifted their gaze to fall upon a very wide-eyed Krillin, who was running breathlessly up to them.

"What is it, shortcake?" Vegeta snapped, narrowing his eyes at the bald man.

Goku leaned over and whispered into Vegeta's ear. "He's not talking to you, Vegeta."

Vegeta opened his mouth to respond, but Goku cut him off by folding his arms and blinking at Krillin as though he had a whole list of better things he could be doing right now.

"What is it, Krillin?" he said with a sigh.

"Goku! Goku! They're coming! THEY'RE COMINGGGG! You have to help us!"

Goku and Vegeta exchanged nonplussed and unconcerned expressions.

"Look," Goku said, "just because you and Tien and the others are a bunch of useless non-Super Saiya-jins, doesn't mean I have to train my ass off day in and day out just to make up for what you lack."

"Yeah!" Vegeta threw in, raising his chin and standing tall… although he was still considerably shorter than Goku.

Goku sighed and shook his head at his shorter companion.

"Besides," Goku went on while Krillin's eyes widened in disbelief, "how do you even know there's anyone on their way here to kill us anyway? Sounds like crap to me."

"It's not! King Kai told us!" Krillin exclaimed, looking increasingly panicked as the seconds went by.

"Wait… have you… Where have you been? That's not how it works! King Kai _always_ consults _me_ first! _I'm_ the main character!" Goku said in exasperation.

"Does it _matter_?!" Krillin shrieked shrilly, causing both Vegeta and Goku to wince. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO—"

Suddenly, Goku grumbled and slapped Krillin across the face, hard. A red handprint swelled into existence on the bald man's face where Goku's hand had struck him. Goku then proceeded to grab his friend by the shoulders and shake him.

"Get ahold of yourself, man!"

Krillin swallowed and nodded slowly in compliance.

"You know that all stories have happy endings. This one is no different. All will end well, somehow, and—"

Vegeta jumped in on what Goku was saying. "Yeah, and all that has to happen first is for you lot to die," he said with a smirk, gesturing airily to all the other Z Fighters, who were still running around panicking. "Is that okay?" he added cockily.

At hearing those three words, all the crappy Z Fighters stopped running around and focused instead on Vegeta. Simultaneously, they shouted, "As a matter of fact, it_ ISN'T_!!!"

The Saiya-jin Prince and the one he called Kakarot blinked at each other.

Goku opened his mouth to say something, but just then! There was a horrible, ear-splitting crack that got everyone's attention! All eyes shot to the sky in time to see a jagged line rip through the blue to reveal black turmoil from beyond.

"OH NO!! Th-th-th-they're hereeee!" Krillin yelled, and ducked behind Goku, grabbing onto his pants and causing Goku to shake his head irritably at the man who had six dots on his forehead. A very suspicious "thhbbbtt" noise came from behind both men, and Goku decided that he didn't want to know what it was.

Two shapes were falling rapidly from the rip. Neither of them appeared to be moving, and Goku calculated that if nobody made a move soon, both shapes would hit the ground and that the impact would most likely kill them.

"Well, don't you all fly off at once, then," Goku scoffed, and blasted off the ground to intercept the two bodies from making acquaintances with the ground.

Vegeta and Krillin stood there and watched. The short, bald man looked up at Vegeta with frightened eyes and took a single, timid step in his direction. Vegeta just glared at him and slapped him. Krillin whimpered and looked down at the ground.

---

**[** Oh yeah. I just went there. The "As a matter of fact, it isn't!" part is accredited to the Newgrounds user Phelouser for their use of this quote, and others, in their flash video parody of DBZ. I highly recommend you go see it right now. x] **]**


	3. Perfectly Normal Teenage Girls

**[A/N: **Now, before anyone goes all.. Hey! Self-inserts are BS! ..I just want to remind you that this is a parody of DBZ fics and DBZ in general. ;) **]**

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"Gohan!" an abrasive female voice called from down the hallway.

Gohan sighed mournfully and pulled the covers off from over his head. Soft violin music floated in the air of his room, accentuating his solemn mood. He proceeded to stare at the ceiling for a few moments, thinking deeply, before shifting his gaze over to his door when the knob began to turn. The door opened to reveal his mother standing there, looking rather aggravated.

"Gohan!" she snapped, putting a hand on her hip and tapping her foot on the ground. "What are you doing in here with the lights off?"

"I was just…" Gohan began with another mournful sigh. "…Contemplating what life could have been like if only we had tried harder… Been… stronger." He clenched his fist and ground his teeth in a very forlorn manner, the lamentable violin music bitterly reflecting the boy's lifetime of regrets in a most poetic manner.

"Gohan— Ugh, will you turn that crap off?" she grumbled, and crossed the room to a CD player that was sitting on Gohan's desk to turn off the lamentable music. "Gohan, no one cares about your pathetic whining about alternate timelines," she said. "If you want to change things, then maybe you should figure out a way of traveling back into the past and warn everyone about Alef and his followers instead of sitting here and whimpering like a crybaby and listening to that doleful music every time the sun goes down," Chi-chi said, rolling her eyes at her constantly crestfallen son.

"That's it! You're a genius, Mom!" the boy exclaimed, sitting up in his bed and sweeping back a lock of raven hair from his face. The lock of hair fell back into his face, partially obscuring one eye.

"Not really, I'm just more motivated than you. Now get out of bed, Chris Carrabba," his mother replied, shaking her head and shutting the door behind her as she left.

Gohan ignored his mother's lack of faith in him and scrambled over to his desk and began opening drawers with purposeful haste. After a few minutes of searching for a pen and being unable to find one, he sighed for a third time and collapsed into his chair, hanging his head and allowing quite a few strands of hair to fall into his face.

"Why does this always happen to _me_? Why can't I ever find a pen when I need one? Why is my life so like a dead, blackened sunflower—once beautiful, but now reduced to nothing more than brittle petals waiting to be stepped on by passersby? Why— Ow!"

Gohan bit his lip when a pen hit him on the forehead. Rubbing a throbbing red lump where the pen had hit him, the emotional teenager bent over to retrieve the pen and inspected it. He looked up to see his mother once again standing in the doorway.

"There's your pen, now quit feeling sorry for yourself!" she snarled and stormed away.

"Oh thank you, Mother!" Gohan cried, kissing the pen as though it were a long lost treasure. "I shall use this pen to devise a way of traveling back to the past and preventing this dark and desolate future in which I reside! I will warn the others about Alef and his followers and their incredible power! I will write a song about my pathetic existence and its lack of pen-finding skills! I will… I will…" He paused and scratched his head. "I need a Mountain Dew first," he concluded.

Meanwhile…

"Wh-wh-who are they, Goku?" Krillin stammered from his usual hiding position, which was cowering behind Goku and clutching desperately at his pants.

"Let go of my pants already!" Goku snapped, waving his hand to shoo away the pathetic bald man. Krillin flinched and backed away obediently, his fists opening and closing neurotically in withdrawal as they now had nothing to hold onto.

"Oy," Goku groaned. He rubbed his temples and shook his head and thought, _Why me?_

"Dad, look!" said young Gohan as he peered into the two stranger's faces. "They're waking up!"

The first girl opened her green eyes and blinked up into the gathering of unfamiliar faces. She promptly screamed, causing the second girl to leap to life, her blue eyes as wide as those of her green-eyed companion. The second girl, upon seeing surroundings alien to her, also promptly screamed. Krillin, who was jumpy and neurotic to begin with, covered his head in fear and screamed along. Together, the three of them screamed and screamed, causing Goku and Vegeta and the others to clap their hands over their ears and scream along in agony. Someone from outside screamed just for good measure, although no one had any idea who it was that was screaming from outside and this mysterious scream was lost in the pandemonium of screams of those who had began screaming first and was promptly forgotten.

"Rachel!" the blue-eyed girl cried, scrambling away from the strangers and over to the green-eyed girl.

"Christine!" the green-eyed girl cried in response, throwing her arms around her blue-eyed companion and shivering in fear.

"Goku!" Krillin cried, and leapt off the ground and into Goku's arms.

"Krillin!" Goku reprimanded, and promptly dropped Krillin onto the floor where he landed on his bottom with a simultaneous thud and crunch.

"Kakarot!" Vegeta thundered over the noise, his hands still over his ears. "Why are we all screaming?!"

"Whaaaat?!" Goku responded, wincing from all the screaming.

Finally, after several minutes of ceaseless, deafening screaming, everyone ran out of breath and sat there panting instead. Christine, the blue-eyed girl, opened her mouth to begin screaming again, causing Goku and Vegeta to exchange a look of exhausted exasperation and warily move their hands towards their ears for round two, but suddenly snapped her mouth closed instead and blinked inquisitively at Rachel, the green-eyed one.

"Rachel, your hair!" she gasped, pointing at it. "It's… it's blue!"

"And yours!" Rachel also gasped, pointing at Christine's in return. "It's _pink_!"

"What the—?!" Christine's eyes widened in horror as she tugged at her locks of hair, which were, indeed, pink. At that, she drew in a breath and began another round of screaming.

"SIIIILENNNCE!" roared Goku, his eyes narrowed to slits as he glared scathingly, in turn, at each of the people in the room, particularly at the two girls who had started all the screaming and had, as a result, given him a throbbing headache similar to the one he had earlier that morning due to a hangover.

And there was silence, save for the whimpering of Krillin.

"_Thank_ you," Goku sighed and went back to rubbing his temples before straightening up and taking charge of the situation once again. Being the main character of a popular anime can be tough, can't it?

"Now," he began once he had everyone's attention. "Provided all our ear drums are still in tact, why don't you two tell us who you are and where you're from, and then we can—"

"Why's my hair _pink_?! For the love of StarClan, of all colors, why _pink_?!" Christine ranted, tugging repeatedly at her strands of lovely carnation pink hair, which seemed to mock her just by hanging there limply.

"Dude, shut up, and listen to me," Goku grumbled.

"No! My hair is pink! You have no idea of how embarrassing this is!" Christine shouted back, but, seeing the vein throbbing on Goku's forehead, not to mention his bulging muscles, decided to submit to quiet whimpering about her pink hair.

"Now, I don't know why your hair is pink, but—" Goku started once again, only to be interrupted by his son this time.

"I know why!" said Gohan in his well-educated tone of voice, "Your hair is pink and hers is blue because we're all anime characters. All anime characters have abnormal hair, and for girls, the most common colors are pink and blue, got it?"

Goku fumed while realization finally dawned on Christine and Rachel's faces.

"Ohhh," breathed Christine with temporary calm. "But why did _I_ get pink?!" she suddenly exploded.

"That," said Gohan, "Is entirely random."

"Okay, seriously, everyone, SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M THE BLOODY MAIN CHARACTER, SO I GET TO DO ALL THE TALKING! SHUT… UP!"

And there was, yet again, silence.

"_Now_," he began for a third time, his voice laden with frustration, "Please, forget about your hair, and answer my questions."

"What questions?" Rachel inquired, who, by the way, was looking quite pleased by the color her hair had become.

"The…" Goku sighed and was about two seconds from giving up. These two girls, whoever they were, didn't appear to be particularly bright. He was trying to be as patient as he could. "Who are you and where are you from?"

"Oh," said Rachel. "Well, I'm Rachel and this is Christine. We're both perfectly normal teenage girls from the United States. We have no idea how we got here."

"That's right," Christine continued in Rachel's place, still grimacing about her pink hair. "Rachel and I were just sitting around in my room when there was a huge rumble of thunder and our house shook and all the lights went out and…! Well, I don't know after that!"

"Really?" asked Goku, who had trouble believing their little story. Both Christine and Rachel nodded. "That explains nothing, but I suppose it'll have to do. I'm Goku, and this is—"

"GOKU?!" both girls exclaimed in unison. Goku flinched at their sudden outburst. Krillin used his distraction as an opportunity to resume holding onto his pants like a wet-diapered infant. "Like, _the_ Goku?! From _Dragonball Z_?!"

"I've been standing here the whole time, haven't I? LET GO OF MY PANTS!" Goku snapped, and Krillin mournfully stepped away again.

"Amazing!" both girls chirped and leapt up off the floor to touch, prod, and oogle at the various Z Fighters after they finally realized that a simple thunderstorm had inexplicably transported them across time and dimensions to the _Dragonball Z_ universe.

"You know," said Vegeta, who had, until now, remained silent and observant, "I don't know what's more amazing: The fact that you know who we are and the fact that we are all completely okay with this; or the fact that this all sounds horribly familiar…"

"Just go with being completely okay with this, Vegeta, otherwise… we'll go insane," Goku suggested.

"Good call, Kakarot," agreed Vegeta with a nod. "Good call."


	4. Unintelligible Commotion

Goku rubbed his temples for the thousandth time that day. His headache wasn't getting any better, and as long as the universe around him still existed, it probably never would. He didn't know what he did to deserve to have such useless, whiney friends and to now have to baby sit two clueless females from another dimension, but whatever it was that he did, it could not have possibly earned him this particular fate.

"Look," said Goku irritably, "I'll tell you one last time: We can't summon the Eternal Dragon for you to wish for a new Super Nintendo because the five-star dragonball is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean. Got it?"

Both girls blinked uncomprehendingly at the Saiya-jin. Christine had stopped clawing at her hair finally, although a glint in her eyes told that she was still greatly offended by its new terribly feminine shade; Rachel, on the other hand, was still admiring her own.

Christine tossed aside a lock of pink hair and inquired, "So, we can't wish for a new Super Nintendo?"

Goku sighed and replied, "Right."

"But what about a regular Nintendo?"

"No. No, you can't wish for that either."

"Why not?"

"Because the five-star dragonball is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean! Weren't you listening?!"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"…Do you know anything about geography at all?"

Rachel and Christine just blinked at him again. Goku, who was unable to comprehend how anyone could be this remarkably stupid, shook his head and turned away, unwilling to answer another dumb question himself.

His young son, Gohan, smiled and stepped forward to fill his place.

"What my dad means to say," said Gohan patiently, "is that since the five-star dragonball is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean, nobody can retrieve it."

"But why not?"

"Because it is the deepest point on the entire planet! In fact, it is even deeper than Mt. Everest is tall! The pressure exerted there is over a thousand times that of standard atmospheric pressure, meaning you would be crushed before you could even locate the dragonball," Gohan explained.

"Not to mention all the creepy sea creatures!" chimed in Krillin with a chilled shudder at the thought.

"Not to mention all the creepy sea creatures," echoed Gohan with a very matter-of-factly nod.

"But… But Goku, you're a Saiya-jin! You can do anything!" said Rachel with a hopeful grin.

Vegeta began to look offended that neither of the girls had acknowledged the fact that he, too, was a Saiya-jin, but before he could verbally express his belligerence towards this offense, Goku said resignedly, "Well, there you have it, then—even Saiya-jins have their limitations."

"Huh," scoffed Christine, for this news was most disappointing to her. Rachel also looked displeased by this.

For a few moments there was a silence that was much relished by Goku. But it wasn't long before Rachel smiled sweetly and purred, "Oh, Vegetaaaaaa."

"Oh, no you don't!" Vegeta blurted, his hair standing even more on its ends than normal to express how cross he was. "You don't even acknowledge that I am a Saiya-jin, despite the fact that I am the freakin' _Prince_ of _all_ Saiya-jins, and then you want me to dive down into over six and a half miles of ocean to retrieve a dragonball so that you can wish for some obsolete piece of trash gaming platform?! Forget it!"

"Hey!" snarled Christine, who was back to subconsciously fidgeting with her strands of pink hair, "The Super Nintendo is _not_ a piece of trash gaming platform! It is the greatest gaming platform there ever was or ever will be!"

"Right, right," said Vegeta with an irritable eye roll and waved his hand at the two girls dismissively.

"Er, excuse me," interrupted Krillin with a small whimper, "but have you all forgotten that there is an extremely powerful bad guy on his way to Earth this very moment to destroy us all?"

"No, Krillin. No we haven't," said Goku. "Have you forgotten that you won't _let_ us forget?"

That elicited a timid gulp from Krillin. The short bald man kept glancing anxiously at the back of Goku's pants, wanting nothing more than to cling onto them for safety. Goku was becoming increasingly more wary of Krillin checking out his ass, although this, of course, was not the case. The Saiya-jin stepped away from the miserable human while he still had the chance. Krillin looked crestfallen as a result.

"Wait," said Christine, "There's a bad guy on his way here now?"

"Yes, of course, what else would be going on?" answered Goku. He emitted another sigh of exasperation, exasperated sighs being the only variety he was capable of producing these days.

"So what are you sitting around for?! Shouldn't you be training to prepare yourselves?!" she exclaimed.

Goku and Vegeta glanced at each other, eyebrows raised, before Goku grumbled and answered with, "Vegeta and I don't _have_ to train. We always win. Or at least _I_ do.

"Besides," he continued, before Vegeta had a chance to protest, "We don't even know _when_ this supposedly undefeatable bad guy will be arriving. On _top_ of that, at this point in the series and after pulling my weak-ass friends out of unsalvageable battle after unsalvageable battle, I really couldn't care less."

The girls stared at the hero of their favorite anime in disbelief. This wasn't the Goku they knew and loved! What kind of alternate universe was this anyway? Everything seemed to be wrong here! Everything except Gohan, that is, who was, as was predicted, a nerdy little prat, and, admittedly, Krillin, who was, also as predicted, a shameless coward.

Someone in the narrator's box gagged in horror at the number of commas used in that previous sentence and then continued with the story.

Everyone sat there glancing from person to person, wondering what to say next. Christine went back to frowning at her pink hair while Rachel went back to lovingly stroking her own hair. Krillin stood there twitching nervously in light of the situation at hand and how nobody seemed to be doing anything about it. Gohan flopped back into a chair and took out a book and contentedly read it. Goku and Vegeta muttered between themselves about how weak and stupid everyone seemed to be. The other Z Fighters weren't even around, because nobody gives a shit about them.

Just then, the door burst open and another character bounded in energetically, looking rather excited. Why, it was Piccolo! Or… at least it seemed to be. Something was different about him…

"Hey, guys!" he—or, I should say, _she_—chortled excitedly.

Goku groaned and covered his head. He was about ten seconds from weeping in defeat from all the unintelligible commotion going on lately.

"What do you want, Piccolo?" Goku mumbled from beneath his hands, which were covering his face.

"Goku, love! _There_ you are!" chirped Piccolo as she pranced over to her favorite person ever and pounced on him and lovingly ruffled up his hair.

"Come on, how many times do I have to tell you to not do that?!" Goku snapped waspishly and pushed the tall, green, and effeminate Namek off of his lap.

Piccolo frowned and looked ridiculously saddened by this. She stuck out her lower lip.

"Goku, you're just no fun anymore. You act like you're constipated all the time or somethin'!" Piccolo observed, taking her seat across from Gohan, who had just then looked up from his book and blinked at the arrival of his former mentor. Goku did not respond to this observation.

"Oooooh! Who are _these_ two lovely ladies?" queried Piccolo upon seeing a very confused Christine and Rachel. Their eyes were having trouble adjusting to the fact that Piccolo was a girl in lieu of a boy in this universe. It was strange and somewhat disturbing to see a muscular green man with antennae wearing a dress as pink as Christine's hair; strange because men, or at least people who were built like a man, didn't traditionally wear a dress, and somewhat disturbing because this dress clung to and accentuated any female features that happened to exist.

"That," said Goku in a bored tone, pointing first at Rachel, "is Rachel. And that," he pointed at Christine, "is Christine. They both fell through some hole in the sky that randomly opened up during a thunderstorm in their own dimension. We regrettably have not yet figured out how to return them to what is, without a doubt, their unintelligent world."

"Gotcha," confirmed Piccolo with a nod. She returned her attention to the other two girls. "Say! Love your hair, doll!" She indicated whose hair with a nod and bright, sunny smile in Christine's direction.

"I didn't choose this color!!" Christine roared, turned to the side, and began weeping about how unfair and cruel the universe was to have bestowed such a horrific color of hair upon her.

"Don't worry," said Rachel, "She'll get over it."

Piccolo opened her mouth to respond, but her words were drowned out by a loud, screeching sound that sounded like a car slamming on its breaks from outside. Every window on the house exploded inward from the shockwave created by what appeared to a giant mechanical teddy bear screeching to a halt just outside.

Everyone screamed and covered their ears. Krillin cried out and grabbed onto Goku's pants while he wasn't looking.

After the noise had died down, the group of unlikely heroes stepped outside to examine the bewildering contraption.

"What do you suppose it is, Kakarot?" asked Vegeta as the two of them circled around the craft.

"How in the seven circles of Hell am _I_ supposed to know?!" Goku threw back viciously and glared daggers at the machine, hating it simply for existing and showing up when things were already weird enough as it was.

Suddenly, the head of the teddy bear machine lifted away from its body and settled to the side, revealing a darkened figure from within. The figure stood up and leapt out of the craft, landing with clumsy precision on the ground between the craft and the group of people who had come to see what was going on. He stood tall and looked grim with his black boots, black jeans, black t-shirt with the words "Dashboard Confessional" on it, sweeping black trench coat, and two hardened black eyes, one of which was obscured by his equally black, spiky hair.

"Oh no!" shouted Krillin in undiluted fear, stabbing a finger at the black-attired figure. His pants sagged with their soiled burden. "It's the bad guy, Goku! The one King Kai warned us about! It's hiiiiim!"

---

**[A/N: **The Mariana Trench is a real location! I wiki'd it, so I know that it is. **]**


	5. An Endless Chain Of Future Gohans

"It's the bad guy, Goku! The one King Kai warned us about! It's hiiiiim!" Krillin shrieked.

The black-attired figure faltered in his steady and silent stance and pushed his dark hair from his face; his hair, of course, fell right back into place.

"Krillin," he said, "What do you mean I'm the bad guy that King Kai warned you about?"

"Oh Kami, he knows my name! We're done for, Goku! DONE FOR!" wailed the bald man, who was still clutching onto the back of Goku's pants. For once, Goku ignored him.

"You," said Goku, gesturing towards the tall, dark man. "Identify yourself."

The dark figure looked taken aback. "Identify myself? Don't you recognize your own son… Dad?"

His response elicited a started gasp from each of the persons present, except Piccolo, who was oogling the newcomer with undisguised lust. The younger Gohan was staring at the guy who had just identified himself as… himself… with an expression of mixed fascination and horror.

Goku narrowed his eyes at the one who had just claimed to be his son with scrutiny.

"I know not of what you speak. My son is there," he said, pointing at the younger of the two.

"No, really," continued the dark figure, "I _am_ Gohan." He brushed his hair from his face again only for it to, yet again, fall back into place. "I'm from the future. Ten years into the future, to be exact." He paused and looked thoughtful. "Well, ten years, seven months, and sixteen days to be _precise_," he finished.

"The future? You're from… the _future_?" Krillin stammered, peeking out from behind Goku's legs.

"Really, guys, don't look so surprised. Trunks did it in the Android Saga," Future Gohan said, his eyes shifting from face to face. His eyes lingered on Christine and Rachel for a moment—neither of them noticed; Christine was too busy, once again, pawing irritably at her pink hair, and Rachel was too busy shaking her head at her—before returning to his father.

Goku looked thoughtful before shrugging.

"Very well," he said, "but what are you doing here? And why are you…" He paused, his eyes examining his son from the future head to toe, taking in his appearance. "…Why are you dressed like _that_?"

"Huh?" Future Gohan looked down at himself and, confused by what his father meant, looked back up at his father with an eyebrow quirked. "Like how?"

"Like…" Goku shook his head, deciding that what his son from the future was wearing didn't matter that much after all. "Never mind. What are you doing here?"

A serious look returned to the face of the Gohan from the future. His eyebrows came together in an aggrieved manner and his eyes hardened to black coals once again.

"I have come back to warn all of you about an overwhelmingly powerful menace that has taken over in my time… which will be _your_ time if you don't do anything to change the future," he said darkly. To his surprise, no one else looked frightened or worried or anything, except for Krillin, who was neurotically biting his nails. He blinked at each of them. "Did you hear what I said?" he asked.

"Oh, we heard you, Gohan," said Goku. At hearing his name, both Gohans looked up at the older warrior. "It's just that we already know that there is a bad guy on his way here to destroy us all and that he's apparently ridiculously powerful," he explained.

Future Gohan nearly fell over at hearing this. Both of his eyebrows shot so far up on his forehead that Goku felt for sure that they were going to fly off.

"What?!" he exclaimed, a few stray strands of his black hair falling into his face. He pushed them away in aggravation. "How could you know that?!"

Goku sighed and said, "King Kai told us just a couple days ago."

The black-attired Gohan searched the faces of everyone to see if this was true or not. The amused smirk on Vegeta's face was enough to say it all, and the demi-Saiya-jin frowned deeply at this. His expression turned to one of pure anguish.

"This doesn't make any sense! If King Kai has told you now, then that means he told you in _my_ time, but none of you did anything about it _then_!" he cried. He clenched his fists as they hung by his sides. "Whyyyyyy?!"

"Now Gohan…" began Goku, stepping up to his son as he collapsed onto his knees and drove his fists into the ground repeatedly, crying out "WHY?!" every time.

"No!" he whimpered, pushing Goku away. "You don't understand! I came back here to warn all of you about Alef and his followers! They killed all of you! They ruined my future! Don't you understand?!" Future Gohan looked up and met the eyes of his younger self, the look in his eyes reflecting that of a defeated, desperate madman. Present Gohan looked petrified by the pathetic condition of his future self and felt incredibly embarrassed that he was looking at himself. "Gohan!" said Gohan. "Our future is ruined by Alef! He takes over the planet and… and… we don't get to be the scholar that we always wanted to be! It's HORRIBLE!"

After that, Future Gohan was completely inconsolable. He leaned forward from where he was squatting on the ground and wept bitterly into his fists. He completely ignored any effort made by anyone to comfort him, including Piccolo's suggestions that they blow this joint and spend some time alone together, which Present Gohan was disgusted to hear (he covertly hid between Goku and Vegeta upon hearing his former trainer's offers).

Vegeta leaned over to Goku and whispered, "Is it just me, or does your son seem to be more upset about not being a scholar than the fact that his future lay in ruins and that we're all dead?"

Goku's only response was a sigh and a shake of the head in, you guessed it, exasperation.

As if things weren't confusing and startling enough, there was another loud screeching noise, just like the one they had heard only a few minutes ago, followed by another shockwave that rattled the bones in everyone's bodies. Future Gohan remained on the ground in his woeful position as the others stared on in perplexity by a second teddy bear craft sliding across the ground and coming to rest by the first one.

"Okay, this is just getting out of hand!" Goku shouted at the sky, hoping that someone in the narrator's box would hear and make the madness stop. He was deftly ignored by all those present in the narrator's box and the madness, instead, continued.

The head of the second contraption lifted off just as the first one did and, just as before, a dark figure—the same dark figure as the one weeping on the ground—leapt out and stood before the crowd, much to Piccolo's delight.

Before the second Future Gohan could even react, Goku stormed up to him and grasped him by the collar and began shaking him most violently.

"All right, Gohan! You tell me what you're doing here and why this story has suddenly become much more confusing than it needs to be!" he yelled, causing his second future son to blink at him in surprise.

"I… I…" he stammered, suddenly unsure of what he was doing here. "I-I've come back to warn myself that you guys already know about Alef!"

Upon hearing this, Goku narrowed his eyes at the second arrival and merely dropped him. He was on the verge of going mad at this point, what with the arrival of two idiotic fan girls from another dimension and now two versions of his son from a future that apparently was taken over by one of Frieza's worshippers. Unable to handle this any further, he shook his head and turned away from everyone and began rubbing his temples repeatedly again.

Vegeta took this as his cue to take over. Finally, it was his turn to play the leading role! He replaced Goku in holding the second Future Gohan by the collar and rattling him.

"You _idiot_! You—" he said, pointing to the first Future Gohan as he lay on the ground, "—already know that we know about Alef!"

The second Future Gohan's eyes widened to the size of two Jupiters at hearing this.

"Noooo!" he cried and collapsed onto the ground beside his other future counterpart. "This can't be! This just _can't be_! My life has become so useless! I can't even travel back in time correctly!"

By the time Vegeta was getting a taste of what it was like to be the main character and to have to handle everything, a third teddy bear craft came screaming through the air and thudded heavily beside the other two exactly like it.

Something was wrong here and Vegeta knew it. He somehow sensed that what was going on would soon grow into an endless chain of Future Gohans, and, well, Vegeta just could not stand for that, especially not with his partner out of commission. Before the third dark figure from the future had the chance to leap out his craft, Vegeta met him face to face by leaping up into the cockpit and grabbing the third Future Gohan by the collar and raising him into the air as high as he could, glaring at him with a penetrating, dark gaze.

"Let me guess," snarled Vegeta, "You're here to warn yourself that you already know that we know about Alef. Is that correct?"

Slowly, the third Future Gohan nodded and Vegeta, as Goku had done earlier with the second Future Gohan, dropped him haphazardly. Gohan stumbled and brushed himself off.

"Well, guess what," he said. Future Gohan #3 looked at him sheepishly. "Get out of here! WE. ALREADY. KNOW!"

With that, the third Future Gohan gulped, sat back down in his time machine, and zinged away as soon as Vegeta stepped out of it.

---

**[A/N:** As you can see, things are quickly getting out of hand! Don't worry, I have lots of madness in store for our heroes. ;)**]**


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